


Responsible Wizarding 101: Do Not Buy Strange Spells Off Late-Night WizTV

by ACatWhoWrites



Category: EXO (Band), K-pop
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Animals, Alternate Universe - Domestic, Alternate Universe - Magic, Alternate Universe - Magical Realism, Baekhyun Makes Mistakes, Boyfriends, Foursome - M/M/M/M, Happy Ending, M/M, Magical Accidents, Polyamory, community: tomodachi, his boyfriends aren't all as understanding, things work out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-12
Updated: 2018-06-12
Packaged: 2019-05-09 16:27:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14719592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ACatWhoWrites/pseuds/ACatWhoWrites
Summary: Baekhyun knows better. He really does. Sometimes, he just can't resist what presents itself a good idea at the time.





	Responsible Wizarding 101: Do Not Buy Strange Spells Off Late-Night WizTV

**Author's Note:**

> prompt no. 80

Baekhyun should know better. He really should. Sometimes, he just can't resist what presents itself a good idea at the time, though.

In his defense, he was left alone with most of a case of beer in the refrigerator. When he's lonely, he drinks. Drinking makes him lonelier. A lonely Baekhyun is a needy Baekhyun, and he seeks company with the television, something he didn't grow up with or have in his own home. Magic users have their own entertainment, which seems archaic to non-magical folk. Baekhyun prefers TV, like many younger wizards and witches.

Late-night TV is boring, evangelical, or tempting. The most tempting channel to a lonely, drunk wizard with a wallet in-hand is WizTV, the magic equivalent to the Shopping Network. Instead of miracle pots and skin blemish remedies, WizTV offers _unwindable yarn balls: the more you pull, the bigger the ball_ and _never cast a spell again: ThinkMaj will cast whatever you think without the wave of a wand_ and so on. Dumb things no one could possibly want unless under the influence of alcohol or exhaustion.

Baekhyun is under both when he orders a spell.

Because he is under the influences of poor decision, he doesn't remember ordering anything until he gets an envelope in the fireplace. It's an electric fireplace without a chimney, and neighborhoods must be assigned to certain carriers, because it's always the same poor pigeon he pulls out from behind the glass.

“What's that?” Jongdae sidles up alongside Baekhyun after setting the flustered carrier on their kitchen counter with a bowl of water and some crackers. “You don't usually get mail.” His family's delighted in sending emails or greeting cards through non-magical mail.

Baekhyun flips the envelope over, but there's only a vague recollection and growing dread when he sees the return address.

“WizTV? You bought something off a shopping network, again?” Like usual, Kyungsoo appears out of nowhere. Baekhyun jumps, and Jongdae jumps because of his jump. The carrier chirps and nearly flies into the window, but Jongdae opens it in time.

“It could be something really cool!” Baekhyun defends himself. “C'mon and sit; it'll be a surprise for me, too. Jongdae,” he calls, “where's Chanyeol?”

“My ass pocket.” He shrugs and sits with his chin on Kyungsoo's shoulder, whining, “Why should I know? I've been with you.”

“He was changing his strings and cut his finger,” Kyungsoo says. “I bandaged it, and he's probably still sulking.”

“I wasn't _sulking_.” Chanyeol enters the room, newly stringed guitar on his back. He pouts at the trio. “We need a bigger sofa.”

“We could find a smaller boyfriend,” Jongdae suggests. “Someone more our size.” Chanyeol's the tallest among them. It's handy when a lightbulb needs to be changed, or there's a dish or book on a high shelf. Sometimes, he likes to pretend to himself that he's smaller than he is, which isn't always practical, especially when with more than one boyfriend.

Chanyeol drapes himself across the laps of all three, shimmying and shifting and catching Jongdae's chest with his elbow.

“Okay!” Baekhyun slaps Chanyeol's butt. “Now that we're here, let's find out what drunk-me sent myself.”

“And how much it cost sober-you.”

“It's fine.” Baekhyun waves away the cost. “I haven't gotten an alert about hitting my limit; it can't be that bad.” He rips the end of the envelope open, peering inside but seeing only a folded sheet of paper. “Maybe it's not...” Unfolding it, there's plain typed text—Express Your True Self: Bring out your inner soul spirit.

“And this means...what, exactly?” Chanyeol holds his head up on his hand, watching their reflection because turning his head to look at his human cushions hurts his neck.

Baekhyun shrugs. “I dunno. Soul spirits are kind of like the patronus in Harry Potter, but it's not, like, _real magic_ , you know?”

“So why buy it?” Kyungsoo asks the hard questions.

Baekhyun shrugs again. “It sounded fun? It still sounds fun. I'm gonna try it.” He bends Chanyeol's legs at the knees to stand from the sofa and sets them down again, heading for his bedroom to retrieve his wand. “It says it's only intermediate.”

Returning, he flattens the page on the coffee table and softly reads it aloud to himself. There's nothing on the back or revealed by an anti-invisible spell, so what he reads must be all there is. Three steps, a rather intricate wand wave, and results. He's handled worse.

“You guys up for some magic?”

“I'd really rather not,” Kyungsoo replies. “Test it on Jongdae.” He flinches at the pinch to his side.

“It doesn't say if I can do it on myself or not, but I'll try.”

Chanyeol holds himself up in a cobra pose. “Should I get the fire extinguisher, just in case?” Baekhyun's accidentally set things on fire enough for them to have bought a second extinguisher, just in case of emergencies.

“Ye of little faith,” Baekhyun chides. He holds his wand up like he's conducting an orchestra. “Just watch and be amazed.”

It's a simple enough spell. He practices the wand movement before adding the words, ending with a flourish and striking a dramatic magic pose.

Which looks more ridiculous when nothing happens.

“Maybe I did the wand thing wrong. Hang on a sec...” He pores over the sheet again, miming the illustrated movement, but it's the same as he'd done. It really is not complicated. “I don't get it... 'Wand up, drop in an arc to the right...twist like a key...left, down, yeah... Huh.” He laughs, about to declare the spell a dud and admit a foolish purchase when something hollow drops behind him.

Chanyeol's guitar sits beside the pile of his clothes, which entangle a long-haired dog.

Chanyeol. A large, shaggy Golden Retriever.

The dog lies down with a huffed sigh, looking at Baekhyun with wet, round eyes and letting out the softest whine.

“Dude. You are so cute right now.” Baekhyun fishes his cellphone from his pocket. Chanyeol barks at him and starts flopping like a fish, resulting in a blurry photo. “Chanyeol! Fine, hold still.” Dogs are not meant to wear people clothing. It takes some doing, but Baekhyun manages to manipulate his boyfriend out of his shirt and pants. “I guess the spell worked?”

A low growl from behind him attracts Baekhyun's attention and Chanyeol's nose. He follows it to the sofa and sticks his muzzle beneath it, snorting after receiving a thump to his nose.

Baekhyun drops to the floor and peers into the shadows of dust bunnies, loose change, and abandoned board game pieces.

“Aww, _Kyungsoo_! You’re a cat!” Baekhyun coos, wiggling his fingers at his boyfriend, trying to coax him out from the depths of forgotten memories. “And here I thought you’d be a badger or something...” It’s not a flattering comment, true as the comparison may be, and Kyungsoo swipes at his hand with his claws. Maybe he’s sorry once Baekhyun recoils with a shout, but probably not. He’s pissed and justified and turns around to curl up in a tight ball of deserved fury.

Chanyeol whines and sniffs Baekhyun all over, tail hanging sadly as he can’t figure out how to make Baekhyun feel better. “I’m okay, Chanyeol. It surprised me more than anything, I think. I’m not even bleeding, see?” He shows his hand, and there are lines where Kyungsoo’s claws dragged, but there are no beads of blood. Chanyeol sniffs his hand more, to be sure, and gratefully kisses Baekhyun’s face. He can’t hug him, so he kind of bowls Baekhyun over and covers his face and neck in slobber.

It’s honestly not too different from when Chanyeol’s a human. He’s a very kissy person, when the mood strikes him.

“Okay, _okay_! Off, please! Where’s Jongdae?” There's no response. “Jongdae...?” He twists and turns to look all around the room, but aside from Chanyeol, hovering over his lap, and Kyungsoo beneath the sofa, he can't see anyone else, although there is another set of clothes on the sofa cushions. “ _Jongdae_?!”

Chanyeol’s ears perk, and his tail straightens up like a banner, as though just remembering that they are a quartet and not just a trio. With renewed purpose, he puts his nose to the floor and trails the scent he thinks is Jongdae to the laundry basket.

Four guys’ dirty clothes really do stink.

And it shouldn’t smell so _good_ , but it does, and Chanyeol eagerly shoves his head into the basket, tail whacking his hips with how strongly it wags.

“Kyungsoo, if you can stop being pissy for, like, a minute, I can’t find Jongdae.” He crawls around the room on all fours as if looking for a contact, but—in his defense—he has no idea what Jongdae turned into. If Kyungsoo’s a cat, and Chanyeol’s a dog, he really hopes his magic effected Jongdae the same way and that he’s not like a head louse or something easily stepped on. He doesn’t know how he’d explain it to the Kims if he accidentally squishes their son under his knee.

He’s tearing books from their shelves and has crawled under the table when a flat meow draws his attention.

He strikes his head on the table’s underside, and Chanyeol again sniffs him all over to check for blood and potential life-threatening bruising, but there’s nothing. He licks the pained tears from Baekhyun’s face and enthusiastically bounds over to the sofa with a happy bark.

Kyungsoo’s made his contribution to the search with fruitful results, sitting atop the sofa beside an orange tabby cat with a familiar smile and upturned eyebrows.

“Jongdae! You jerk, where were you?” Baekhyun sits beside the sofa and draws a hand down Jongdae’s spine. He chirrups and pops up onto his feet, back arched and tail up while the base of his tail is scratched.

Kyungsoo slinks to the arm of the sofa and hops to the floor again, darting beneath it before Chanyeol can get to him and staying out of reach of his big paws and long, reaching forelegs.

“Chanyeol, leave him be,” Baekhyun sighs, scratching over his Golden boyfriend’s tail. He lets his head fall back to look at the ceiling, since he can’t see Kyungsoo anymore. “And thank you, Soo. I am sorry about this.” He offers his visible boyfriends a sheepish grin. “I guess something went wrong.” He can’t imagine what went so _drastically_ wrong, though. It’s a relatively straight-forward spell, and the instructions show only three out five stars of difficulty. Baekhyun can handle that much. He thought so, anyway.

Jongdae bumps his elbow with his forehead, showing support or sympathy.

When he dodges Baekhyun’s hand and bites his fingers, Baekhyun assumes he was actually showing his hunger.

“Are you hungry?”

Jongdae meows, a loud noise from such a relatively small cat. Chanyeol’s ears stand up, and his tail stills, wondering if Baekhyun is going to get food or not. He's always in the mood for snacks.

“Guys, we _just ate_.”

Jongdae meows again and stands his forepaws on Baekhyun’s thigh.

“Jongdae, don’t you dare—” Baekhyun yelps as needle-sharp claws dig into his leg. The next instant, Jongdae has disappeared, and Chanyeol is whining, torn between checking on Baekhyun and tearing after Jongdae. They both run to the kitchen when something falls, finding Jongdae sitting on the kitchen counter and the spray-bottle of countertop cleaner on the floor.

“Get your hairy balls off the counter! I _eat_ off that counter!” If he had a human voice, Jongdae would have a smart remark, judging by the smile. Since he doesn't have a human voice, however, he settles for extending a hind leg.

“Don't you _dare_...” Something about cats grooming themselves is just so creepy. Baekyhun is a dog person. He can understand checking out one's balls every once in a while, make sure the crotch stuff is all there and functional, but spending extended periods of time licking the entire body... No.

Just no.

And Jongdae knows Baekhyun's opinion.

He lifts a hind leg into the air and holds it there, purring while Baekhyun flaps his hands and covers his eyes. Nothing should be so flexible, and he, himself, is rather flexible. His flexibility isn't to the point of contortionism allowing him to lick his own junk, though.

“If you’re going to be a dick, I’ll just lock you in the closet... Chanyeol, please stop that.” His canine boyfriend drops his leg. He was just checking. He shakes his coat and barks, looking at the fridge. 

Baekhyun opens a cabinet, about to grab a bag of chips Jongdae likes. Can cats eat chips, though? Dogs eat everything, whether they should or not. “Uh...on second thought, I don’t want to accidentally kill you. It’d be one thing to explain how you’re no longer human, but murder is a whole other thing.”

Now that he’s thinking about it, it’s going to take at least a day to figure out how to change his boyfriends back, if the spell doesn’t wear off on its own. What can they safely eat? How likely are they to pick up some animal disease? Will it carry over when they’re human?

Where will they pee?

“Chanyeol,” Baekhyun says seriously. “You’re gonna have to do your business outside.” Chanyeol tilts his head. “Like, you’re literally going to have to pee outside.” Chanyeol pants calmly; he’s peed outside, before. Not his proudest moments, but when nature calls and there are no restrooms around… “ _In public._ ” Chanyeol’s tail falls. He’s never had his dick out in public. If he had shorter fur, he’d be more self-conscious, but now that Baekhyun’s said something, he feels so _naked_. How can Jongdae just sit on a countertop in nothing but fur and a smile? If he could fit, Chanyeol would join Kyungsoo under the sofa.

“And you…” Baekhyun frowns at Jongdae and ultimately sighs. “I don’t even know. I guess you and Kyungsoo have to go outside, too… Or I could set out old paper, but I really do not want to be handling your shit. I love you, but...no.” Jongdae snorts, if that’s possible for a cat. He perks up a little when he notices a glass of water set beside the sink. Baekhyun watches as though in a dream as Jongdae struggles to stick his head into the glass far enough to reach the water, taking pity on him to just fill a small bowl of water and then a larger bowl for Chanyeol when the Retriever whines.

“Let's skip the lifestyle changes for a bit and focus on a solution, okay? Maybe if I figure it out, we won't need to set new ground rules and designated places outside for bathroom breaks.”

Baekhyun returns to their living room and grabs a blanket to cocoon himself in. Kyungsoo remains MIA. Baekhyun feels bad. He really does. It's not _that bad_ though, all things considered.

He browses Naver and Google for solutions to his hairy problems while Chanyeol claims his feet as a comfy place to sleep—which is fine, because their apartment is freezing—and Jongdae sits on his gut at an angle to read along, tucked into Baekhyun’s blanket cape. He tries to control the browser with his paw, but it doesn't move how he wants, zooming in and out and highlighting random text.

[magic spell people into animals] About 3,960,000 results

[my boyfriend turned into a cat] About 6,230,000 results

[my boyfriend turned into a dog] About 7,910,000 results

[reverse any spell] About 6,040,000 results

[my cat wont come out from hiding] About 6,050,000 results

[why are cats such jerks] About 398,000 results

“Ow- _ow_! Okay, Dae. Claws back, please.” Baekhyun rubs his thigh. There's no blood, at least, but _man_ cats have sharp nails!

[why is my boyfriend such a dick] About 1,220,000 results

Chanyeol jumps to his feet, both because of Baekhyun's sharp cry and being kicked in the ribs. He's halfway onto the sofa to check out the damage when he sees Jongdae perched on the back of the sofa, nonchalantly cleaning between the toes of his forepaw.

“It's okay, Chanyeol.” Baekhyun rubs a silky ear, holding up his shirt to check out the neat punctures in his gut. “I kind of deserved it.” He sighs and drops his shirt.

His internet searches haven't been at all fruitful. Searching the particular spell he ordered, many people left poor reviews and critiques, but no one went into detail about reversing the spell's effects. The company itself doesn't have a phone number or email listed, so he can't even contact them. They don't even allow returns.

A yawn sneaks up on him, popping his jaw. Magic is tiring, even under the best circumstances.

“Guys, not to avoid the situation, but can we just, like, order a pizza and take a nap? A long nap? Pizza can't kill anything...” Jongdae bumps their heads together. Chanyeol develops a string of drool at the mention of pizza that Baekhyun pulls his legs up to avoid.

The delivery girl thinks a dog paying for pizza is the cutest thing ever. Chanyeol closes the door with his butt and awkwardly carries the pizza box to the sofa in his mouth.

“Soo, will you come out for a bit? I order olives just for you.” Chanyeol inhales his pizza. Jongdae makes Baekhyun feed him bits at a time. They all notice the white paw reaching from beneath the sofa to drag a tissue of food back underneath. Like a demon reaching from the depths of hell.

The wizard almost falls asleep mid-pizza. Chanyeol noses at his knee until he finally stands, carrying Jongdae whether he likes it or not to his bedroom. When the Retriever leaps onto his bed, Baekhyun pushes him off and tumbles onto the mattress in his place.

“Please stay down, Chanyeol,” he mumbles. “You're too big...” He's smaller than usual, but he has four legs, now, all facing the same way, and a couple hours hasn't been enough to fully master them. Baekhyun has been trampled by paws before; it's okay when they're puppy paws, but adult paws just hurt.

Chanyeol sighs but obediently stretches out on the floor, settling his head on a stuffed animal.

Baekhyun dozes, an almost-awake-but-not-functional sort of nap but wakes up to a weight on his chest. When he reaches for it to push it away, he feels something very soft. In the dim light let in through his curtains, he sees a dark shape shift and stretch. “Kyungsoo… “ He draws his hand down the tuxedo's back. “Forgive me, yet?” The boy-cat-friend’s cool nose touches his chin, and he laughs a little when Kyungsoo rubs his whiskers along Baekhyun’s jaw. If he’s not forgiven, he at least has a little sympathy. Magic isn’t easy; his friends all learned that with him as he struggled through his studies.

“I’ll do my best to fix this,” Baekhyun promises softly, “and then I’ll accept whatever punishment you deem worthy, okay? Just don’t make me eat cucumbers.” He will cry. He hates them. Even the smell. Whenever there’s a dare or a prank, they all know the easiest way to really push Baekhyun is to involve cucumbers.

Jongdae, previously asleep between Baekhyun's knees, climbs onto his torso, settling beside Kyungsoo as the big spoon and ignoring Baekhyun’s groan.

“Dae...you’ve gotten fat…”

Chanyeol hasn't slept at all. The floor really isn't at all comfy; he's not sure how he managed at childhood sleepovers. He sits up with his chin on the mattress, tail wagging slowly and sweeping discarded socks under the bedside table. 

Baekhyun can feel the weight of his stare and pets the cats’ backs. “Should we?” Kyungsoo sighs, but Jongdae purrs, so Baekhyun figures it’s consent and pats the mattress beside him.

Chanyeol eagerly leaps up and drops beside Baekhyun, nosing at Kyungsoo until his muzzle is swatted. He nudges him a little softer and leaves his snout on Baekhyun’s stomach with a content sigh, closing his eyes. He’ll probably wake up with a stiff neck, but oh well.

It’s still surreal, petting his boyfriends who have turned into house pets, but Baekhyun’s always been the type of person to view pets kinda like people. His best friends growing up were the kid who lived next door and the family dog, a loyal little thing that lived to be a ripe old age of 17 years. When he got his own Corgi, which lives with his parents, still, he proudly showed off his furbaby and involved him in all conversations. After some years, the dog actually reliably responds when prompted.

So he’s got three furry boyfriends—an affectionate Retriever, a sassy tabby, and a sullen tuxedo—it's actually not too far from a dream he had as a kid. Never finding The One and just living with a menagerie of animals.

No one’s complaining at the moment, all stuffed together on one bed. As people, they’d be kicking and shifting and complaining—mostly because of Baekhyun, who’s always been noisy before sleeping; he doesn’t know why. Jongdae can just snuggle against someone and pass out; Chanyeol sprawls out and melts in place; Kyungsoo likes to be on his side with a pillow or someone’s leg between his knees.

Baekhyun watches the silhouettes of Jongdae and Kyungsoo’s backs as they breathe, running his fingers through Chanyeol’s long fur. He can feel a little wet spot where the Retriever is drooling and pulls his shirt down a little more.

Magic that goes well is exhausting enough. Magic accidents and trying to clean up after them are worse. What can he do, if he doesn't figure this out? He loves them all, human or not, but can he still say he's in a relationship with a dog and two cats? _He_ can't say he'd mind, knowing who they are, but being a human and then living the rest of one's life as an animal... That can't be fulfilling. And then being transformed into an animal, is the lifespan that of the animal or original human? 

Baekhyun could have only a handful of years left with the loves of his life.

His breathing stutters, catching on the tears he tries to swallow. One of the cats on his gut moves. From the inky darkness, Baekhyun knows it's Kyungsoo and really doesn't want to show how much he's freaking himself out with overthinking, but rather than stick his claws into him or leaving, Kyungsoo crawls up onto Baekhyun's chest and stretches out with his chin at Baekhyun's neck. His whiskers tickle, but Baekhyun still ducks his head to the side to rub his cheek against Kyungsoo's soft fur.

“I'm so sorry, Kyungsoo... I don't know how to fix this; I didn't think it'd backfire so bad.”

Cat or human, Kyungsoo's a person of few words. He's succinct and to the point. Talking about Feelings practically makes him break out in hives.

He's perceptive, though. Those big eyes aren't just for show.

Sitting up, Kyungsoo stretches and walks up a bit to sit on Baekhyun's shoulder. He falls into the little crevice between it and the pillow and struggles to pull himself out, but he manages and regains his balance and dignity, covering up with long, languid passes of his cheeks over Baekhyun's temple. He purrs deep in his throat.

When human, Kyungsoo would accept shows of off-hand affection. Open displays of intentional adoration were brushed off and never reciprocated, unless it was a showy example, an exaggeration, because that could be seen as a joke. Not quite dishonest but not wholly honest. He rarely initiated anything, regardless, but his hugs and kisses are some of the warmest Baekhyun's ever experienced and are definitely in his top three favorites.

Baekhyun carefully raises an arm, so he doesn't disturb Chanyeol, and pets Kyungsoo's side. He doesn't feel like crying so much, anymore, but he is even more exhausted by the sudden rise of emotion.

Maybe things will make more sense when they wake up. Someone will dream up a good idea, or a spurned magic-user will post detailed instructions on how to un-animal-ify their unwitting subject.

Or they could just wake up normal.

Baekhyun's way too hot to be comfortable but can't kick off the blankets. He isn't covered in blankets. Arms are tucked over him; someone's snoring in his ear.

Everyone is naked. Chanyeol's arm is halfway up Baekhyun's shirt, and his fingers slowly splay and flex as he shifts, squeezing Baekhyun's left pec. 

Spells have different methods of reversal. Some have a counter-spell; others have conditions that need to be met; others have a time limit.

Baekhyun's store-bought spell is apparently a day-long transformation spell. If it would state that on the packaging, he could have been spared a lot of grief and frustration and physical wounds from cat claws.

In his haste to sit up and do a headcount, Baekhyun dislodges Jongdae, who was clinging to him rather precariously, and sends him crashing to the floor with a cry.

“You guys!” Baekhyun yells. “ _You're normal_.” 

Chanyeol scoots closer, whining, “I'm cold.”

“Because you no longer have a gorgeous fur coat, my bare-assed boyfriend.” He smacks Chanyeol's butt, fully waking him up and kissing him. “But there's nobody I'd rather wake up naked with than you three!” He looks around. Jongdae's pulling on sweatpants; Chanyeol is blearily staring at his fingers. “Two...? Where's Kyungsoo?”

Jongdae and Chanyeol follow Baekhyun, scratching their hair and rubbing their growling guts.

Kyungsoo is in the kitchen, lowly lecturing the delivery pigeon shaking on its envelope. “If there is ever a delivery here again, you take it back and tell them we demand a full refund due to faulty product, understand?” He opens the nearest window, and the poor carrier just about jumps outside, struggling to carry its delivery.

Baekhyun supposes he deserves the sharp elbow to his stomach when he hugs Kyungsoo from behind, both for sneaking up on him and for turning him into a cat as well as likening him to a badger. “What was that about?” he wheezes.

“Wrong address,” Kyungsoo replies coolly. “Order from the TV again, Byun Baekhyun, and I swear I will shove your wand so far up your ass so you can only whistle spells.”

Jongdae snorts against Chanyeol's shoulder. Baekhyun sulks. He knows better. He really does. Sometimes, he just can't resist what presents itself a good idea at the time.

It's just a part of the trials and errors of being a wizard.

**Author's Note:**

> I was trying to think of the magical equivalent of OxyClean, but it is pretty much witchcraft in itself, and only changing three of four people who wash their clothes all together was just getting too complicated.
> 
> Talk to me or send prompts on [ask.fm](https://ask.fm/acatonthecomputer) or [Tumblr](http://acatwhowritesthings.tumblr.com)!


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